Tonight the boys and I are cuddled up on the couch watching one of Isaac's Movies, a Thomas the Train one. He loved this movie, his favorite was "Diesel 10". We watched it quite often while in the hospital. I close my eyes and I can see him. I can see him right there beside me and between the soft noises of a now sleeping house I can even hear the way he softly spoke "Diesel 10", oh to hear his voice again..... Together..... watching his movie and for a second it's so real..... many times I want to close my eyes and not open them, I miss him so much.....
There are so many in my life that think that after 4 years I should be okay, that I should have moved on by now. Let me tell you, at least in my world of grief, the 2nd year without him was way harder then the 1st and this 4th year seems even harder yet. I can't do this anymore if this is to only get harder. I know I am under a lot of stress from the elements of life and from several that have contributed unbelievable pain in my life and maybe that's what is making this year so much harder is the reality that the ones I thought would be there for me the most have moved forward and left me grieving for my boy in the dust. I think what hurts the most is their complete disregard for my son, for Isaac......
I'm so glad others have moved on, but this life without Isaac, without having all my children together with me, this life is killing me.
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